We care. That’s what makes creation both hard and beautiful. We are meant to dream and set goals. Still, our attachment to our goals can push them away from us. Why is that, and how can we deal with it?
Whenever we decide that we want something, we often start focusing on the wanting itself. If we continue to wish for it, that is what we strengthen – a wish. The trick is to focus on having it, or to release focus on it entirely. Now, how can you focus on having something you don’t have? It is possible, because all you need to do is feel the thing. A feeling can be generated by pure decision, and triggers can help you get there too.
Let’s say you want a partner. Longing for a partner feeds longing. Feeling love feeds loving connections. So your task becomes that of activating love in your body. You become love. How you do that is specific to you. Start by writing down what you want to experience in a relationship, like feeling seen and valued, being at ease with someone, feeling like someone is there with you, feeling more sensual pleasure and creative passion. Whatever it implies for you, that is your focus.
Here are some ways to practice aspects of love before you are in a relationship:
- Feeling seen: Acknowledge your feelings as valid. Share them with someone you trust or write them down.
- Feeling valued: Clarify what your values are. Practice living by them with your time and focus. This makes it easier for you to value yourself. For ultimate unconditional worthiness, acknowledge that you are a creator of life. What could be more valuable than that? To feel your inherent worth, it helps to see your place in the Universe. My free mini-book “The Self as a Node” can assist you with that.
- Feeling at ease with someone: Find situations and beings that make it easy for you to feel at ease. Go there. Like a walk in nature. Reading a book that makes you feel open. Being with an animal or human friend.
- Feeling pleasure: Take a bath. A foldable one works if you don’t have a tub. Give yourself a foot massage.
- Feeling creative passion: Do breathing exercises that move your energy (here’s a free guide on that). Play an instrument, sing, dance, draw, paint, sculpt, do sports or exercise — that which makes you come the most alive.
Whatever you decide to do, practice it for some time. Every act and feeling makes your goal a little more tangible. At the same time, release your attachment to the outcome. Every goal can only carry so much importance before it starts working against itself. Vadim Zeland, the originator of transurfing, calls this excess potential: when we assign a goal more weight than it can hold, we create an imbalance, and reality works to correct it by pulling the outcome further away. So practice with a relaxed attitude.
Resistance may come up, thoughts in direct contrast to your vision. That is fine. Witnessing is enough. Change is a shift in which reality you’re choosing, not an alteration of your current one. This can be a bit mind-boggling. Zeland used more than 700 pages to explain it in Reality Transurfing. To sum it up in one sentence: you don’t change reality, you choose a new one.
If you find yourself stuck, or unsure of what you want, zoom out and focus on what you do know. A few years ago I found myself in a very creative period. I had graduated from my dance studies, and I had bought a large house by the forest. There I gave myself a trampoline to live out my childhood dream of learning all types of flips, and I built a music studio in which I explored all types of musical instruments. I also danced a little. I still felt called to be on stage, but I didn’t know how. What I did know was that I wanted to make a full time income out of being creative, not the life of a “starving artist”.
One day a friend told me about an open leading role in a play about to be shown at the National Theatre. I had zero acting experience, but I was comfortable being seen on stage, so I applied. They called me for an audition and gave me two texts to prepare. When I got there, I did one, and then they said I could leave. It ended so fast I was a bit confused. That same evening they called and offered me the part. No further audition was needed. This became my full-time job.
It’s hard to know if this was simply meant to be or an act of deliberate creation, because it all felt so right. I instantly felt at home with my co-workers, and I enjoyed experiencing the depth of our work. Still, beyond years of staying in a creative flow, I think three things helped me get the part:
- Without even knowing I did so, I claimed the part. I felt it belonged to me.
- I didn’t need the part. If I were to not get it, I would just let it go.
- Rather than trying to perform the role, I simply became it.
Before your dream materializes, can you feel it? When it shows up, can you be it?
